Celebrating Failure - Week 13

Hmmm. A time in this past semester in which I failed. Let's see. Where to begin. Academically, I've been very diligent on myself so I don't have anything to report on that regard. But, I guess in terms of my personal life there have been quite a few things I have failed at. One in particular that I have been trying to work on despite numerous attempts of trying to change, would be making myself and my interests a priority. I am the kind of person who puts the needs, wants, and desires of other people before myself. I'm not saying to sound like a saint (or for some cry of attention aka angel halo emoji), or even trying to sound the worlds best person. I'm saying it because I see that its a failure in myself, and I have tried to get away from this behavior but I always end up circling back. 

I enjoy making other people feel happy, important, special... all the warm and fuzzy feelings. But, it's also important to recognize and celebrate these things in myself, and to be honest, I almost never do. I don't think it's because I want myself to be unhappy, I'm not trying to take all the sunshine out of my life. But for whatever reason, in my brain, it's more important for me to make sure other people are happy before I make sure I am. Or I guess, I find it more rewarding than doing thing to make myself happy. (Which sounds super dark and twisty, which I guess it is.. But I'm not a rain cloud. I promise.) I think of it like one of those "cost-benefit analysis" type scenarios, there are more benefits for doing things for other people than doing them for myself, because there is a bigger long-term benefit.

I've learned so many things from this "personality trait" I'm unsure of what else to call it. It's not bad or selfish to do special things for yourself that make you happy. It's nice to do them in actuality. I've tried to live the whole "treat yourself" lifestyle but eventually that mentality fades out, and I resort to my original ways. 

I think the ability to recognize failure in yourself is something everyone has the ability to do. Even the rare amount of people who say "I'm perfect" are lying, and know in their hearts that they've failed at something at least once in their life. Failure is as common as success. I don't think you can have one without the other. They're building blocks, and help you to become a better person. Of course the feeling of failure, isn't as wonderful as the feeling of success. But, I've always been a believer of needing to feel your lows, to truly know the value of your highs. (How inspirational...)

But honestly, failure sucks. It's embarrassing/hurtful/all the bad feelings. But if you don't fail, you'll never grow. I think I handle failure like most people my age.. which would consist of masking it to most of the world and maybe sharing my failures with one or two people. Who wants all the things they've done wrong put out on display, for everyone to criticize? Not me. I deal with it internally, typically I'll journal or write on a blog that I have. I don't like talking about it with other people, it brings back that uncomfortable feeling. Also, often times everyone says the same thing "oh, it'll be okay." That's kind of hollow in my opinion, and it doesn't do much to help me. 

I don't know if this class has helped me with my perspective of failure, it's helped me in other ways. I don't think I'm any more or less willing to take a risk than I was before I took this class, I have always for the most part been a pretty talkative and outgoing person. I think that this class have made me more willing to talk to strangers than I was before, especially after all the costumer interviews we have had to do. I don't quite consider that taking a risk though.